This is My Story

This is My Story

Before: I wish I could remember exactly when it was that I walked into Green Valley Lutheran Evangelical Church after an extended absence only to hear our pastor’s sermon regarding our Facebook witnessing!  Sharing an inspirational quote or bible passage with a photo that clearly affirms God’s awesomeness and we feel good about ourselves, right?

We were told in Matthew 28:19 ‘Go and Make Disciples!’  I shared those FB photos… even added that I was ‘feeling blessed’… so I was good, right?  😊

As the sermon continued, I felt the ridiculousness of my life and my focus.  I almost kept my head down, afraid to make eye contact.  But God’s love took over.  I knew our Pastor did not choose those words just because I was in the room.  Yet, it happened.  I was there and my pastor, whom I adore, had chosen those words to speak that day as if he knew that would be the day I stepped back into his church.

I would like to say I turned my life around that day, but I didn’t.  I recognized His presence… the mystery, the power, the Love… I even recognized God’s calling directly to me.  What I didn’t recognize, was that I was not even close to answering the call.

By then, I was a mother of three.  Volunteering at the school, working a full-time job, advocating for other children, and comforting other moms struggling to handle it all.  Surely God understood that I was busy.  I had many worldly advantages, for which I was very thankful.  It was up to me to help others, be a role model, and I was passionate about doing that.

In the midst of all the juggling, I also had a thorn.  Now Paul acknowledges, in 2 Corinthians 12:7, ‘a thorn was given me in the flesh… to keep me from becoming conceited.’  Well, Paul, it’s nice that you recognized that.  I didn’t.

I had plan A.  I had plan B. I had plan C, D, E…X, Y, Z… 1, 2, 3… I COULD FIX THIS.  I’m a trouble-shooter.  I’m a problem solver… I GOT THIS. But, I got so tired of this thorn, that I picked up a new thorn to forget about the first one 😊 Conceited?  Stubborn? Or just Stupid?  While I was determined to slash my own way out of the thorns, other parts of my life that were never thorns, started to fall apart.

That Day:  YEARS after that day at church, with life spinning out of control, I drove home from work, pulled into the garage, shut the garage door, and turned the car off.  I did not get out of the car.  I took a deep breath then silently screamed at God.  “With ALL the gifts you have given me, I have tried to fix this, but I can’t.  I don’t know what else to do.  I give up… THIS ONE IS YOURS!”

I laughed at myself when an IMMEDIATE sense of peace overcame me… with His message, ‘It’s about time!’

If I could describe my internal response, it would be this… ‘oh you idiot, that is what I was supposed to do all along!’

Since Then:  He speaks to me and I crave more.  And when I get more, I make the mistake thinking that I am capable again… I do good things, I help others, but it doesn’t take long before humility sets in and I have to call myself an idiot… again.  This pattern repeats itself as apparently, I just think I AM SO RESOURCEFUL.  In fact, I’ve even thought that I could figure out how to stop doing this!  (Ah, how did I not see the irony!) 

Surrendering doesn’t come easy.  Pride and self-confidence were the traits this world acknowledged in me.  Friends called me BRAVE and FEARLESS.    I see these traits a little differently now.  I either have these talents to bring God glory or I use them carelessly to feed my sinful human nature and allow evil to score a point.

My story is still evolving as I struggle to keep my eyes on Him.  I am incredibly thankful to God for His son, Jesus, my savior.  I am learning to shut up and listen to Him and to recognize that voice of my conscience, The Holy Spirit.  I spend time every day in His Word.

I also spend time in person and in printed material with Christians more experienced than myself.   Over fifty years went into developing my harmful habits, I’m digging in deep to undo a lot of those.  I know Christ lives in me and it’s time to let him shine.  It’s a different way to live THIS life, but it is the most amazing journey!